As everyone is going back to school recently – some may even be going to a new school or college, university, etc. – I wanted to discuss the fact that some people do not find it as easy to go back to school for multiple reasons. I really struggled going back to school each year and experienced high levels of anxiety every first half-term. This was largely due to my disability, but people will have different reasons for finding it hard to start or restart school again.
Having Neurofibromatosis Type 2 causes a consistent decline in my health and physical capabilities because the tumours around my body consistently grow, causing more pain, weakness, and reduced flexibility in my legs. Therefore, during the six weeks I had off between years at school, I was able to do less and less every time I went back. This made it increasingly difficult to keep up with my friends and I could no longer go and hang out with them, without feeling pain or discomfort.
One of the hardest years going back to school for me was year 8 when I was around 12 or 13 years old. Before this, I was still able to do physical activities and sports, but when I went back to school that year I had to start using crutches to help me walk around as my legs were no longer strong enough to support me. This made my anxiety rise drastically because I did not know how people were going to react and whether or not it would make a difference with my friends because it was clear how different I was now.
Before I had to use crutches, the majority of people were surprised when they found out I had a disability. Knowing how clear it is you have a disability or condition makes it harder to feel like you fit in because you cannot hide how different you are and during school years I found that people are less likely to be understanding in that being different is not a bad thing. Looking back, I wish I had been more accepting of my differences – if we were all the same life would far more boring.
It was scary to see such a drastic change in my capabilities because I went from doing most of what everyone else can to being forced to walk around with support and giving up many things I really enjoyed. The difference between me and everyone else, when I went back to school, was so obvious it caused me to be a bit self-destructive in terms of friendships. I thought that because I was so clearly different and incapable of doing so many things my friends were able to, I could no longer be friends with them. This caused me to distance myself from everyone who was ‘normal’ and not go out, or just stay secluded from anyone because I could not do the same things they could.
From year 9 to year 11, I was so afraid of my differences that I isolated myself whilst I was in school. I spent my break and lunchtimes sat in the disabled toilet away from everyone because I did not feel like I fit in with anyone else in my year. As soon as the bell would ring I bought some food from the canteen and walked straight to my place of solidarity and sat there until the break was over and it went back to class again. This was the same routine I had every day I was in school for those 3 years of school.
I got myself into the mindset of I can only hang out with people who can do the same things I can which is completely wrong and should not be how anyone thinks. The great thing about life is that we are all so different in our physical and mental states. People who think differently and enjoy different things can still be friends, so it should not matter when it comes to people’s physical capabilities either. In hindsight, this may seem obvious, but at the time you may only be able to see the differences between you and the people around you. However, differences do not make things worse, they make things better and more interesting.
No one should be discounted or discount themselves because of their differences, no matter what they may be. Going into a new year of school will always bring some sense of anxiety and nerves because it is a new environment that is unknown to everyone. You do not need to flaunt your differences for everyone to see if you do not want to, but you should also not be ashamed and feel like you need to hide your differences, because everyone has their differences whether you can see them or not.
Everyone has preferences in people they want to be friends with at first. Our differences from other people are what ensure there is always going to be someone whose preferences fit your differences, therefore, there will be someone who you could get along well with somewhere, it is just about accepting how you are different and not let that impact your confidence and self-belief.